Monday, February 8, 2016

No. 3

I grew up with a different kind of childhood. Don't get me wrong, a lot of it was normal too, but it wasn't the normal Utah County childhood. I had a non-member family & parents. That was looked down on. No one will admit that they judge non-Mormons, but, trust me, it happens. I felt that I was looked down on. I wasn't born into the covenant. My family was so unlike the rest. Growing up where I did, I even judged them. I felt like I had to be like the rest of my friends families. I hated telling people that I was adopted by my grandparents, and my siblings weren't and they moved away blah, blah, blah. It made me feel dumb.

When I was going through this all, I was in elementary school. I at first went to public school. I was bullied though. Not bad. I didn't even know it was bullying. Boys just called me fat, and I knew that I was, so I just thought it was annoying that they kept saying it. So, my grandparents moved me to an LDS school called American Heritage.

I started there in 3rd grade. And I LOVED it. It was for the rich, cool and total Mormon kids. I felt like I was awesome. That place was good for me for a while. Kids seem to say and believe exactly what their parents say up until they reach 7th grade. Then they form their own opinions and beliefs. I grew up loving the church (don't get me wrong, I still do, so stop your automatic judgements) but when 7th grade started, I saw a lot of the world around me. This is when my depression started to hit me HARD for the first time. I judged myself and felt like I was a bad Mormon girl because I felt mad at God for making me feel that way.

7th grade is where this all started. It was a new feeling and I wasn't used to it. It scared me. It terrified me. I felt like the worst girl ever.

7th grade was the first year I thought of suicide. I didn't plan it or anything. And at times I think I just used it as a "cool kid" excuse like "ugh, school sucks, I will go kill myself." but then it started to feel real.

One day I was on Myspace (lol) and I saw a picture of a girl with cut wrists. I was like "WOAH! Let me try!" So I did. It hurt like hell at first. But I saw how cool that Myspace girl was. I wanted to be that way. So I kept going. I didn't think it was a big deal.

One day in 8th grade my teacher found out was concerned. She had me talk to the principle. I was so scared! When you think of someone doing that these days, it's a more serious issue. It's a mental issue and not a blaming issue. That's exactly the opposite that I got. I was reprimanded for my depression and actions. I was told that it bothered people and that it wasn't okay for me to be that way. I was told that they had too many complaints about me and that I couldn't attend there anymore. That I wasn't keeping the honor code and was making the school look bad. I was beyond shocked. I was hurt. I was mad. I was even more depressed.

They say that big moments in life make us feel better or worse. This one made me feel 10000% worse. I thought I already was worse.

9th grade was where the "bad Mardi" came out. And oh boy, it was a wild year....


  1. I am intrigued by your story. I don't know you but I can tell you are an incredibly strong person. A true survivor. Especially because you experienced so much trauma at such a young age.

  2. I remember hanging out with you in 8th grade and people would tell me you were a bad influence. I never listened cause I always remembered you were the first person to talk to me and make friends with me. I'd rather hang out with friendly fun and real Mardi than with stuck up judgement making... other people.